WHY?

CAUTION! This entry might contain harsh word due to the unstable feeling of the writer. Thank you.

Assalamualaikum dan salam satu Malaysia.

Hahahaha. Okay. I wanna ask. Why do you come back here again after I decided to put you aside? Why? That is the first one. 

Secondly. Why do you come back again and go again and come again and disappear again? Why? This is seriously and totally madness for me. I’m the one who going to be mad. Ohmai. I’m so stress !!! please don’t give me that kind of hope. Please I beg you. Yes, to be true I really in to you. That doesn’t mean you can treat me suka hati kau jaa. I’m a human being. Of course I strongly don’t want to put any hope in our relay anymore. But I’m only a human being. The feel of hope is still here. In my heart. Even my minds deny it. like soooo much I really don’t want it. but my heart still hoping. Hoping for us to be like the old time. 

Thirdly, why do you treat me like that? Why do you treat me like we were used to be when we still in relay? What the f*uck with all of this drama that you made? Are trying to play a “game” on me? Please boy. Enough. I’m hurt enough. Please don’t hurt me more. I think I can’t bear it anymore. I’m so fed up with this entire thing. I feel like ‘I AM THE DUMBEST HUMAN EVER ON EARTH”!!! for still hoping a guy like you. Don’t you have any sense of humor? Hello? I’m your ex-girlfriend okay. You don’t need to treat me like I’m still your girl anymore. I’m not. And me? The dumbest human ever. I don’t know how to say about this anymore.  Why? Kenapa? Why I still hoping? Arghhhhh :’( ohmaii. I can’t. I can’t live like this or else I’m gonna get crazy. Seriously. Almost every day since he approach me back, I got headache. Keep on thinking about our relay. Why he come again after so much month he doesn’t contact me at all. At all !! then suddenly he come and acting like nothing happen. Ya Allah I beg you, make me forget all this feeling towards him. I really want my old life back. F*uck this feeling ! I hate it to be hurt. 

Last but not least. WHY? Why the guy that I love hurt me the most? WHY?

*crying*

My end of love story

Firstly, this blog is not as cheerful as before anymore. I'm sorry. I don’t really know how to express this feeling. But I have to. After all time I hold it in myself. I really felt the burden now. He doesn’t care about me anymore. This time he really really really don’t show any types or any signs that he still care about me. Nothing at all. I can see it because I daily stalk on his twitter account. Day after day, I feels like he is going far far from me. And close close to this one girl. But I don’t want to mention about her. What is important here is he really don’t care about me anymore. While I myself, every single day I willing to stalk to his twitter account with intention to actually know whether he is doing fine with his life or what. Even he makes his account private, but I still look into an effort to see his twitter account. Haha. Pathetic isn’t it?

I’ve tried to ask him three times to accept me back. But sadly, he rejected me for that three times. Maybe he really really really don’t love me anymore and I need to conscious about it. Yes, I admit it here. It’s me that act like a crazy girl for chasing after him even we already break up for almost 5 months. I don’t want to show off or what-so-ever but there are many guys who came after me and ask me about this sort of things called love. Love love love. Sadly for those guys, I really can’t accept you guys at this moment. My feeling is still strong for him.

Now I really hope that my feeling can change for him. Even if it is have to be slowly. I really really hope it will fade along with the time pass. There is no more point for me to remember him as he doesn’t remember me. I strongly can’t even look at him for these 5 months. Because if I do so. I feel the pain. I don’t know what about him. But for me yes. Sometimes, I really can’t bear it. I will go for a ride by myself if I feel really down or in other words, if I really miss him. I would even cry for the whole night until I get into my dream world because missing him like so much. I wonder if he felt the same way as I do. But I think it is too far for now. His friends said that he attracted to this one girl. I don’t know who she is. But his friends told me that he once saw his wallpaper screen is occupied with a girl picture. And I don’t know who. But obviously that girl wasn’t me. And the worst thing when I felt stress is I tend to think that I’m going to have a cigarette. Isn’t that too much for a girl like me? But yes I do feel so. We’re also break up because of this cigarette thingy. He started to smoking again while we still in relationship and I don’t like it and I ask a break up from him shortly. Then, without think for the long time period effects, so now this is it. I can’t forget him until today because I really love him. Even more than myself. I can bet you that no one will ever love him like I did. Is it my entire fault to say those words to him at the black worst day? I do ask him to not to smoke. Tolerate with him. But he told me that it is his own choice to start smoking again. No one ask him to do that. I really sad and disappointed that time. Oh my god. How pathetic my love story is. Just because of the cigarette and our love can’t be continue as we wish. We have so many plans to do together in the future. And it is all ruins in one night. One night! I really feel ohh I don’t know how to describe it with words. Too hurt to be felt. Too much love for him that lastly makes me feel the pains. I’m not put the blame 100% on him about this decision that I’ve made that day. It is also about me that make things too rush. I didn’t think wisely that time. I follow my fool anger. It was my mistakes. Totally.

My friend always told me that I will find someone better than him. I know. I admit it. but yet I still can’t get over him. I’ve tried many times to convince myself. Forget about him. Forget about him. But at the end of the day, I can’t. I will think about him again and again. Everyday! Not even one day I didn’t think about him after 5 months we’ve clashed.  He never even try to approach me back. Want to meet me or text me or call me. Not even once. I guess he have ego as high as the Mount of Everest. Or maybe even higher than the mountain.  Or maybe he really doesn’t want to be with me again. He really don’t want. I am nightmare for him maybe. So pathetic. From now onwards, I would really like to try. This time I’ll try harder to forget my feeling towards him because he now admiring another girl. Love to socialize in the social networking with the girl. Even the girls is one of my friends. But she also looks like happy for doing that. Then yes, I will try my really best to forget him. Even we were in the same university. The worst part. Same university.

I still remember the quotes that I think suitable for us the previous day. “Meeting you was a fate. Being your friend was a choice. But falling in love with you is beyond my control”. Now it’s all gone.

curhat II

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarokatuh.

Apa khabar kalian? Sihat ? harap-2 begitu la kan. Ermm. Aku rindu dia. Aku selalu teringat dia. Kenapa tu ya? Aku yang mau putuskan hubungan kami. Tapi sekarang ? aku pulak yang rindu sama dia. Tidak dinafikan. Memang banyak la kenangan ku dengan dia. Banyak betul. Huu. Kalau aku tengok barang2 yang pernah dia bagi. Sayu hati ku. Sikit lagi menitiskan air mata. Tapi aku fikir balik. Untuk apa? Aku yang buat keputusan ni. Jadi aku ndak boleh mau suka-2 jak buat apa2 tanpa memikirkan perasaan nya kan? Huu. Sunyi. Kosong.

Mau tahu ka? Semakin ramai yang mengurat aku. Semakin aku ingat dengan dia. Memang bunyi nya macam berlagak. Macam borro bilang orang tawau. Macam poyo org semenanjung cakap. Tapi btl. Semakin ramai. Semakin ingat dengan dia. What you have done to me oh dear? Hati ku sekarang memang tertutup rapat. Tiada yang nama nya mau cari pasangan. Memang tidak. Tiada niat. tapi kalau tengok2 orang hensem boi tu memang biasa la kan. Haha. Tapi cukup setakat tengok. Tiada niat lain. Sekali lagi aku tegaskan di sini.

Macam mana aku mahu fikir soal cinta ne. kalau assignment memang berlambak yang perlu disiapkan. Dengan mid exam lagi yang ndak lama mau datang. Huu. Mesti focus ! wajib. Haha. Aku ndak mahu bha ne stress-2. Aku mau happy-2 ja. Tapi sekarang aku dapat rasa yang perangai aku berubah sedikit demi sedikit. Tidak macam dulu lagi. Tidak seceria dulu. Aii. Ndak best nya perasaan begini ni. Ya Allah ya tuhan ku. Kembali kan semangat dan diri ku yang dulu. Ceria walau apa pun yang terjadi. Sekarang aku perasan aku pendiam sikit. Mungkin sebab bebanan yang aku rasa ne aku jadi pendiam sikit. Sikit la. Haha. Tapi memang berubah. *sigh

Mungkin life sebenar d U ne aku belum rasa lagi kan? Mesti belum. Kalau begini la rasa nya hidup d U. aiyaa. Ndak best nyaa. Sendiri-2. Huu. Susah bha. Aish. Malsa la mau cakap suda. Bikin stress jak kan? Haha. Malam ne aku mau pergi library. Sendirian lagi. Mau buat assignment. Hari sabtu ne mau presentation suda. Wish me luck oke guys. Hmm. I think that’s all for now. Nanti ada mud ceria sikit. Aku akan tulis entri pasal baru-2 ne aku ikut family camp untuk School of International Tropical Forestry (SITF). Oke then. See ya in the next entry good bye :D

curhat.

assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarokatuh ~

masalah. semua orang pernah menghadapi situasi dimana kita akan mmenghadapi konflik. terutamanya yang melibatkan hati dan perasaan. tipu kalau tidak pernah. hari ini 01/10/2012. aku perlu kan seseorang utuk mendengar luahan hati ku. lalu aku teringat pada belog ne. iyaa. belog ne la tempat yang paling sesuai sekali untuk aku curhat (curahan hati).

Sudah dua malam. aku menangis. different problems for different night. aku mengaku. masalah yang aku hadapi ne. berpunca dari diri ku sendiri. aku tidak boleh meletakkan kesalahan sepenuhnya di atas bahu siapa2. kerana aku tahu aku yang bersalah dalam hal ni.

pertama. masalah perasaan. cinta. semua orang pernah bercinta. aku yakin itu. sakit di akhir perhubungan. nyilu. pilu. amat sakit sekali jika kita ditinggalkan atau meninggalkan orang yang kita sayangi. walaupun aku seorang yang periang. hanya tahu menjadi penghibur para sahabat di kala berkumpul. tapi apabila sampai ke soal hati dan perasaan. aku sensitif. aku mudah terasa. mudah menangis. mungkin diatas kesalahan yang aku lakukan berkali-kali membuatkan dia tidak tahan dengan perangai ku. aku punyai ramai kawan. perempuan. mahupun lelaki. mungkin sebab itu. oh tidak. bukan mungkin. pasti sebab itu. dia seorang yang sangat pencemburu. tambah2 lagi perasaan sayang nya yang amat mendalam terhadap ku. walau pun dahulu nya hubungan kami mendapat tentangan daripada keluarga ku. tapi kami masih tidak boleh menghalang perasaan yang timbul sejak dua tahun lepas. kami berstatus kawan. tapi juga seperti bercinta. seperti dahulu. benar kata orang2. tidak bahagia hubungan tanpa restu dari keluarga. aku sayang dia. tapi apa kan daya jika kami sudah tidak boleh lagi meneruskan perhubungan yang telah kami bina. baru sebulan aku d universiti. dugaan ini sudah mejadi cabaran bagiku. aku mesti kuat untuk meneruskan kehidupan ku. masih banyak matlamat yang perlu aku dahului. aku harapan untuk mengubah nasib keluarga. aku anak sulung. bukan hanya ummie dan abah yang mengharapkan aku membawa segulung ijazah di akhir pengajian ku nanti. keluarga yang lain juga begitu. dan disebabkan masalah ini. hati ku terkunci semula. tertutup rapat sebagaimana suatu ketika dahulu. ketika aku di kecewakan oleh insan yang bernama lelaki. jerak. fobia. takut ingin bercinta semula. aku hanya mampu menanti sehingga jodoh ku sampai. aku berharap agar mendapat suami yang baik. dan paling penting faham aku. dan untuk si dia. aku berharap kau berjumpa dengan perempuan yang lebih layak untuk kau sayangi. yanag bukan seperti aku hanya pandai untuk menyakiti hatimu. sungguh aku tidak layak menerima cinta darimu. haduii. jiwang sangat la pula kan. tapi kali ni aku bercakap dari hati. hati yang merasai segalanya. cinta. bahagia. sakit. seksa. celaru. bingung. kecewa. sedih. dan pelbagai lagi jenis perasaan. semuanya berbaur menjadi satu. tapi yang pasti. sakit sekali.

kedua. masalah keluarga. tetapi. aku tidak ingin berkongsi nya di sini. aku cuma berharap semuanya kembali seperti sedia kala. insyaAllah. amin. 

sekarang. aku berasa sedikit lega. kerana telah meluahkan segala perasaan yang terpendam. menangis aku sendirian. tiada tempat mengadu. betul apa kata penulis buku tentang personaliti warna. seperti yang aku pernah nyatakan dalam entri sebelum ini. warna kuning mempunyai ramai kawan. ramai sahabat. tetapi selalu merasakan kesunyian. sering kali aku ulang ayat ini. kelihatan seperti khurafat akibat mempercayai benda sedemikian. tapi ia nyata terjadi kepada ku. mulai saat ini, aku. hanya diriku. akan terus berjuang walau apa pun yang terjadi. aku akan terus mencari hidayah dan insyaAllah akan berusaha untuk mengubah hidup untuk menjadi lebih baik. masih banyak yang perlu aku pelajari jika dalam soal cinta. aku masih belum matang. belum cukup matang untuk ber"main" cinta. fokus ku kini hanya satu. SEGULUNG IJAZAH. insyaAllah akan ku usahakan!

sekian.

prolem settled :) :(

assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarokatuh ~

ayu maw setory about problem yang melanda kedai baju tempat ayu koje tuu..duit yang ada dalam machine cashier tuu..suda ganti..bos kami yang ganti pun..huhu..save duit gaji ayu..haha..nasib baek dya nda marah2 jugak..nda bebel2..padahal punya banyak tu hilang duit dalam machine cashier tu..lebih 50 hengget babe !! tapi mukak dya laen2 la..huh ! then ma bos bagi taw ngan ayu..tiap malam mesti kira total duit yang ada dalam machine cash tu..mesti ada 200..law kurang..ayu pun x taw la..d suru ganti balik la kan..maybe..huhu..mudah2an la x kurang lagi duit dalam tu..nampak nya nda bule la buat nda kesah pasal duit2 dalam machine cash tu..mesti maw jaga betul2..nanti karang..ayu pulak yang kena..swear ayu teda kacau pun duit2 dalam tu..erghh!! geram bhaa..kalau la ayu taw sapa yang ambik duit tu..ayu cincang2 jari nya (macam berani) haha..tapi ayu berharap la sangat supaya Allah SWT tunjukkan sapa yang ambik duit2 tu suma..ada pepatah mengatakan sepandai pandai tupai melompat akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga..i trust that quote..huhu..ermm..maw setory lagi..bule ka?? bule?? hehe..biar x bule..ayu kasi bule jugak..hak3

pasal Mr Y..ermm..i text him lagii !! adui..malu nya jugak first2 tu..tapi i miss him bhaa..actually ayu just maw tanya2 result nya..nda lebih dari itu pun..swear..sbab apa?? tu ari ayu nampak d fb nya.."in open relationship with" tuuuttt...budak scewl kami jugak..zzz..tinggal diam2 ja la jawab nyaa..hurmm..Mr Y kerja suda..ayu nda maw mention d mana tempat nya..tapi d satu farmasi d tawau ne..hehe..biar la dya bahagia dengan hidup nya kan..ayu ada tanya dengan dya..apa hubungan nya dengan tu zzz..dya cakap kawan seja..dya maen accept ja yang in open relationship tuh..pompuan tu yang invite..Mr Y nda taw tu apa benda..itu menurut Mr Y la..apa2 ja laa..huhu..kami kawan balik laa..hehe :)

ada lagi bha ne maw setory..tapi mengantuk suda..esok pagi maw pegi joging lagi..awal pagi..jam 5.30..hehe..orang maw naek Gunung Kinabalu ne !! aceceh ~ doa kan ayu sampai ke puncak oke..amin..ayu semangat ne..amw kasi fit ne betis..jadi nanti teda scene "aduh3..my leg !! it crame jamed.." hahaha..tamaw3..ermm..maw tidur laa..eh..nda..maw makan dulu..baru tidur..hahaha..oke pye2 eu ols :)

thx sebab sudi baca :)

-fazleeayu-