WHY?

CAUTION! This entry might contain harsh word due to the unstable feeling of the writer. Thank you.

Assalamualaikum dan salam satu Malaysia.

Hahahaha. Okay. I wanna ask. Why do you come back here again after I decided to put you aside? Why? That is the first one. 

Secondly. Why do you come back again and go again and come again and disappear again? Why? This is seriously and totally madness for me. I’m the one who going to be mad. Ohmai. I’m so stress !!! please don’t give me that kind of hope. Please I beg you. Yes, to be true I really in to you. That doesn’t mean you can treat me suka hati kau jaa. I’m a human being. Of course I strongly don’t want to put any hope in our relay anymore. But I’m only a human being. The feel of hope is still here. In my heart. Even my minds deny it. like soooo much I really don’t want it. but my heart still hoping. Hoping for us to be like the old time. 

Thirdly, why do you treat me like that? Why do you treat me like we were used to be when we still in relay? What the f*uck with all of this drama that you made? Are trying to play a “game” on me? Please boy. Enough. I’m hurt enough. Please don’t hurt me more. I think I can’t bear it anymore. I’m so fed up with this entire thing. I feel like ‘I AM THE DUMBEST HUMAN EVER ON EARTH”!!! for still hoping a guy like you. Don’t you have any sense of humor? Hello? I’m your ex-girlfriend okay. You don’t need to treat me like I’m still your girl anymore. I’m not. And me? The dumbest human ever. I don’t know how to say about this anymore.  Why? Kenapa? Why I still hoping? Arghhhhh :’( ohmaii. I can’t. I can’t live like this or else I’m gonna get crazy. Seriously. Almost every day since he approach me back, I got headache. Keep on thinking about our relay. Why he come again after so much month he doesn’t contact me at all. At all !! then suddenly he come and acting like nothing happen. Ya Allah I beg you, make me forget all this feeling towards him. I really want my old life back. F*uck this feeling ! I hate it to be hurt. 

Last but not least. WHY? Why the guy that I love hurt me the most? WHY?

*crying*

I think...I just think...

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarokatuh ~

Hello Sunday! Yes. Just saying. Banyak yang tersimpan dalam kepala hotak and yet perlu untuk ditulis dalam sini. Firstly, a man shouldn’t be too harsh on women because they got soft heart actually. Even they may be seem a lil harsh outside. But believe me, when it comes to inside. It is so soft so gent what so ever. Ehh. Hahahaha. Yes but it’s true. Aku pernah mengalaminya sendiri. Lelaki tu ingat aku ne nda sensentap (sensitif+sentap) ka? Hahaha. I do feel sensitive juga ba. Tapi tu lah. Your action make me don’t want to be so close as before anymore. Because you hurt me. Ehh. Hahaha. Not that hurt la actually. Maybe I can forget it by the mean of time. Lol. Just don’t be too harsh on me okay. But in other view, I think the women also harsh ba juga sometimes. I’ve experienced it too. But this time, the man is the one who have soft hearted. Hahaha. Actually it was me yang buat that guy merajuk. Tacing! Hahahaha. I didn’t mean it actually. But he terasa with my words. I do it repeatedly until he can’t bear it. I feel sorry and funny at same time. I was just jokes around with him but I never know that guy also can get touch so easily like that. After almost three days only then he forgave me after I apologize 3 times from him. Nasib baik dia maafkan. Kalau tidak, putus kawanlah jawab nya. Hahahaha. Evil me huh? Miahahaha *evil laugh*

Another confession or opinion from my view is I think I don’t trust man love anymore. I think most of it is trash. Hahaha. They only know and sooooo professional in expressing sweet word. Most of them is a sweet talker only. Ya. Maybe my confession sounds so stereotype but this is my opinion. I don’t trust man’s love for now. As I had experience before, they only know to say that “I can’t live without you” and so on so forth. But actually they didn’t mean it pun. I told you because I have gone through that so-called sweet moment. Puikk! Hahahaha. I prefer just to be friends with the guys. So that they don’t hurt me like the old ancient time hurt me. Hahahaha. Its hurt you know. Like the sword swung on your heart soooo many times. How you gonna heal that? Tell me. Hahaha. Just let the times heal the pains. We all deserve to be happy. Don’t torture yourself to wait for someone who doesn’t want you. They all trash. They maybe didn’t even see how much effort that you had put on just to be with them. Wahh. Kejam gila aku cakap men ne trash. Hahaha. It is not all of the man la kan. Some of them is good, some of them is bad and some of them is separuh2. That’s life. You just need to be clever enough to find someone who suits you the most. They don’t need to be perfect because no one is perfect. Learn to love someone like All of Me by John Legend song. “Love your curve and all your edges, all your perfect imperfection”. Wahh gitu! Hahaha. In short, all people are the same. Have good and bad side. Be wise in choosing your life partner. Hmmm. Macam pro ja aku becakap dari tadi kan. Hahahaha. Till we met again in the next entry. Have a nice sunny Sunday day ! hahh panjang jela2 engkau. hahaha. Minta maaf kepada sesiapa yang terasa dengan entry ne. I'm so sorry. This is just my own opinion and thanks for reading fellas. 

Xoxo :D

i've reach the maximum point.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Hi semua! Mari kita happy happy kali ni. Jangan sedih sedih lagi. No no no. kenot kenot kenot. Who else yang mahu naikkan semangat kita yang down teramat tu balik. Kalau bukan diri kita sendiri. Its all start from diri kita sendiri juga. Terima kasih kepada semua girl friends dan boy friends yang membuka mata ne. Terima kasih banyak-banyak. After banyak benda benda yang bangang abadi lah bilang orang. Aku sudah buat last few weeks disebabkan oleh seteghes yang high level. Kaw kaw punya. Haha. Now we need to change that. Suntik semangat baru dalam diri. Lupa kan apa yang patut. Buang apa yang perlu. Teruskan hidup. Banyak lagi cabaran lain yang menunggu. Better ambik cabaran yang membawa kebaikan untuk diri sendiri daripada menunggu orang yang tidak kunjung tiba untuk di tunggu selama hari ini. Mungkin memang bukan jodoh. Harap-harap lah begitu. Sebab aku malas sudah mau tunggu. Tunggu tu penat. Aku penat dan aku terseksa dan aku cukup menyeksa diri dan perasaan aku sendiri. Alolo kesian diri ku. Miahahaha. Kesiankan diri sendiri. Nguekss. Biarkan lah dia dengan labu-labunya.

 Ya Allah yang Maha Esa, bantu aku ya Allah. Bantu aku untuk terus kuat menjalani kehidupan ku yang ke hadapan. Aku tahu semua yang jadi ini pasti ada hikmah di sebaliknya. Engkau lah sebaik-baik perancang ya Allah. Terima kasih atas dugaan ini ya Allah. Ya Allah, terus berikan aku kekuatan ya Allah sebab aku rasa lemah sekali. Lemah sekali. Lemah sekali. Bantu aku ya Allah. Amin amin yarobbal alamin.

Yeah, doa itu perlu. Amat amat perlu. Time susah, doa. Time senang, pun doa. Jangan time susah ja berdoa. Time senang lupa. Bahaya tu bos ku! Aku harap la mulai hari esok. Eh salah. Mulai saat ini. Aku boleh lupakan dia. Dia nda pernah pun mau muncul dalam hidupku. Ahhh! Sudahlah. The more we cakap cakap pasal dia. Tambah susah la aku mau lupa tu kan. Aihh bengong. Nampak tak kebengongan nya di situ? Balik balik mau cakap pasal dia. Malar jok! Haha. Oke. Mulai saat ini. Jangan cakap pasal dia lagi. Kalau teringat tu apa boleh buat la. Yang penting jangan cakap pasal dia. Semakin kita cakap. Semakin lah jugak kita susah mau lupakan dia. Betul kan? Haa. Babai lah kau sana. Babai babai babai! Zipp mulut. Jangan cakap. Sshhh. Enough. Hahahaha. Start suda sot-sot. Masuk air suda. Hahahahaha. Oke lahh. Babai lah jugak uols. Stay tuned ! love ya :D

i want to add a lil bit more. 

h-axis = level of willingness

d-axis = time taken for waiting

khas kepada sesiapa yang kurang jelas lagi. berikut merupakan graf yang sesuai digunakan untuk describe my tahap kesanggupan untuk menunggu. hahaha. ada juga point maximum di mana badan ini tepu (saturated) sudah, dalam bahasa kasarnya, muak sudah mau menunggu. hope this graph can help you guys to understand my current situation. miahahaha. and i have reach the maximum point. xoxo. tataaaa :*

I feel a lil bit better

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Hi! Life goes on. Alhamdulillah Allah bagi peluang untuk bernafas lagi sampai saat ni. Syukur sangat sangat. Allah bagi kekuatan untuk teruskan kehidupan yang fantastic ne. Banyak benda lagi yang perlu difokuskan berbanding kita memikirkan something yang bagi impak negatif untuk diri kita. Haha. Ya. Macam lah juga aku ni. InshaaAllah dengan izin Allah aku cuba sedaya upaya untuk tidak fikir hal tu lagi. 

Orang kata, kalau kita keep on talking about that thing. That means we still care about it. I do still care about 'it'. But I think I can control myself from being too sad about it. Alhamdulillah. I never stalk or in other word 'do intensive research' about that guy anymore (pinjam ayat si Anwar). Haha. It makes me feel better to be better off without him. Less sad. I spent a lot of my time with my friends. We always jalan jalan like so much ! Haha. Pokoknya enjoy ja bilang orang. Kalau penat jalan.Then I'll go to bed and then continue to jalan jalan back. I do join lots of program. 

Its really help me to forget him. Not totally but like I said in the prev entry. Slowly. Ya. Big things consume times and I'll keep trying. I surely can live even without him. Its all about me from now onwards. No more about him. and yeah I will try my best to avoid him. Haha. Maybe you will judge me on this. To avoid him but that's me. I think I just can't if see him. Even his shadow. Haha. I feel hurt. So I think it will be the best if I not see him. Last but not least, I AM STRONG. Till we met again on my next entry. Live well everybody! Chiao :D

My end of love story

Firstly, this blog is not as cheerful as before anymore. I'm sorry. I don’t really know how to express this feeling. But I have to. After all time I hold it in myself. I really felt the burden now. He doesn’t care about me anymore. This time he really really really don’t show any types or any signs that he still care about me. Nothing at all. I can see it because I daily stalk on his twitter account. Day after day, I feels like he is going far far from me. And close close to this one girl. But I don’t want to mention about her. What is important here is he really don’t care about me anymore. While I myself, every single day I willing to stalk to his twitter account with intention to actually know whether he is doing fine with his life or what. Even he makes his account private, but I still look into an effort to see his twitter account. Haha. Pathetic isn’t it?

I’ve tried to ask him three times to accept me back. But sadly, he rejected me for that three times. Maybe he really really really don’t love me anymore and I need to conscious about it. Yes, I admit it here. It’s me that act like a crazy girl for chasing after him even we already break up for almost 5 months. I don’t want to show off or what-so-ever but there are many guys who came after me and ask me about this sort of things called love. Love love love. Sadly for those guys, I really can’t accept you guys at this moment. My feeling is still strong for him.

Now I really hope that my feeling can change for him. Even if it is have to be slowly. I really really hope it will fade along with the time pass. There is no more point for me to remember him as he doesn’t remember me. I strongly can’t even look at him for these 5 months. Because if I do so. I feel the pain. I don’t know what about him. But for me yes. Sometimes, I really can’t bear it. I will go for a ride by myself if I feel really down or in other words, if I really miss him. I would even cry for the whole night until I get into my dream world because missing him like so much. I wonder if he felt the same way as I do. But I think it is too far for now. His friends said that he attracted to this one girl. I don’t know who she is. But his friends told me that he once saw his wallpaper screen is occupied with a girl picture. And I don’t know who. But obviously that girl wasn’t me. And the worst thing when I felt stress is I tend to think that I’m going to have a cigarette. Isn’t that too much for a girl like me? But yes I do feel so. We’re also break up because of this cigarette thingy. He started to smoking again while we still in relationship and I don’t like it and I ask a break up from him shortly. Then, without think for the long time period effects, so now this is it. I can’t forget him until today because I really love him. Even more than myself. I can bet you that no one will ever love him like I did. Is it my entire fault to say those words to him at the black worst day? I do ask him to not to smoke. Tolerate with him. But he told me that it is his own choice to start smoking again. No one ask him to do that. I really sad and disappointed that time. Oh my god. How pathetic my love story is. Just because of the cigarette and our love can’t be continue as we wish. We have so many plans to do together in the future. And it is all ruins in one night. One night! I really feel ohh I don’t know how to describe it with words. Too hurt to be felt. Too much love for him that lastly makes me feel the pains. I’m not put the blame 100% on him about this decision that I’ve made that day. It is also about me that make things too rush. I didn’t think wisely that time. I follow my fool anger. It was my mistakes. Totally.

My friend always told me that I will find someone better than him. I know. I admit it. but yet I still can’t get over him. I’ve tried many times to convince myself. Forget about him. Forget about him. But at the end of the day, I can’t. I will think about him again and again. Everyday! Not even one day I didn’t think about him after 5 months we’ve clashed.  He never even try to approach me back. Want to meet me or text me or call me. Not even once. I guess he have ego as high as the Mount of Everest. Or maybe even higher than the mountain.  Or maybe he really doesn’t want to be with me again. He really don’t want. I am nightmare for him maybe. So pathetic. From now onwards, I would really like to try. This time I’ll try harder to forget my feeling towards him because he now admiring another girl. Love to socialize in the social networking with the girl. Even the girls is one of my friends. But she also looks like happy for doing that. Then yes, I will try my really best to forget him. Even we were in the same university. The worst part. Same university.

I still remember the quotes that I think suitable for us the previous day. “Meeting you was a fate. Being your friend was a choice. But falling in love with you is beyond my control”. Now it’s all gone.

another girl.

Dengan siapa lagi aku mahu mengadu ne. aku pun nda tau. mesti orang sekelilingku bosan dengar aku mengadu pasal benda yang sama ja tiap hari. aku nda tahan ohh mau sendiri. and the worst thing is I cannot focus on my study. why I love him this much ya? I feel like a dumb ohh. bukan lagi macam. memang laa bodoh ba. sudah ditinggalkan. tapi still put a hope. at the end aku juga yang sakit. aku juga yang nda dapat mau fokus. and one more thing. lagu-lagu yang aku dengar selama aku ditinggalkan ne pun punya lahhhhh bikin tambah sedih. kalau aku senarai kan satu-satu. nda abes ba. why he do this to me? I just asking for a chance. and now what? I know from my friends that he got another girl already. that soon? you can find a girl to replace me in your heart? memori kenangan kita setahun setengah tu ko buang di mana? buang macam mana? ajar aku juga please. aku pun mau lupakan semua tu. you turn my love to hate ba. I'm suffer ba ne. going through all days with the stone in my neck. tahan nangis whenever I miss you. I don't want to cry anymore ba. but why I still do the same thing? this is just too much for me. you dump me like I don't have perasaan langsung. enough till here. i just don't have that much strength anymore.

I have lost my other half :'(

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarokatuh

Hati yang bersedih. Hati yang kesepian. Hati yang hancur. Hati yang memerlukan. Hati yang menanti sebuah cinta. Hati yang meronta. yaa. Itu hati aku sekarang. Apa yang aku buat sekarang hanya menanti. Menanti dia untuk terima aku balik. Perlu masa dan ketenangan katanya. Aku cuma minta satu peluang. Aku mengaku aku salah sebab terburu-buru buat keputusan. Aku menyesal to the max and wanna be with you lagi. tapi kau macam nda mahu suda sama aku lagi. Aku tengok kau bahagia dengan kawan-kawan mu. alhamdulillah. tapi aku terseksa sebab kau tiada lagi di sisi. aku redha. aku masih menanti mu dengan kesabaran. asal kau tidak berubah hati. kadangkala aku rasa malas mahu tunggu. kau gembira di samping kawan-kawan mu. tanpa aku. dan itu membuat aku lebih sedih dan sedih dan sedih. kalau orang mau cakap aku ne bodoh. memang aku bodoh. gara-gara masalah ni aku nda lalu mahu makan. diri sendiri pun nda teratur. study nda boleh fokus. sebab apa? sebab aku rindu kau. setiap masa setiap waktu aku rindu kau. semua yang ada di depan mata ku buat aku teringat dengan kau. dan finally buat aku lagi sakit. hari ni hari ke tujuh aku cuba tahan diri ku daripada mesej kau. betapa aku mahu bagitahu kau setiap hari yang aku sayang kau. aku rindu kau. tapi aku tahan. sebab kau cakap kau mahu kan ketenangan. kau cakap kau terasa terkongkong. mesti sekarang kau rasa lebih bebas kan. kalau bebas mesti happy kan. tiada suda yang mahu ikut kau pegi mana-mana. tiada suda orang sibuk-sibuk mahu pegi tengok kau main futsal. tidak perlu memujuk aku yang kuat merajuk. tidak perlu buang tenaga mahu cari aku untuk jumpa aku. hmm. apa-apa pun. kau cakap kita kawan kan. iya lah. kita kawan. thankyou my dear friend. i miss you so much friend :'(