Firstly, this blog is not as cheerful as before anymore. I'm sorry. I don’t really know how to express this feeling. But I have to. After all time I hold it in myself. I really felt the burden now. He doesn’t care about me anymore. This time he really really really don’t show any types or any signs that he still care about me. Nothing at all. I can see it because I daily stalk on his twitter account. Day after day, I feels like he is going far far from me. And close close to this one girl. But I don’t want to mention about her. What is important here is he really don’t care about me anymore. While I myself, every single day I willing to stalk to his twitter account with intention to actually know whether he is doing fine with his life or what. Even he makes his account private, but I still look into an effort to see his twitter account. Haha. Pathetic isn’t it?
I’ve tried to ask him three times to accept me back. But sadly, he rejected me for that three times. Maybe he really really really don’t love me anymore and I need to conscious about it. Yes, I admit it here. It’s me that act like a crazy girl for chasing after him even we already break up for almost 5 months. I don’t want to show off or what-so-ever but there are many guys who came after me and ask me about this sort of things called love. Love love love. Sadly for those guys, I really can’t accept you guys at this moment. My feeling is still strong for him.
Now I really hope that my feeling can change for him. Even if it is have to be slowly. I really really hope it will fade along with the time pass. There is no more point for me to remember him as he doesn’t remember me. I strongly can’t even look at him for these 5 months. Because if I do so. I feel the pain. I don’t know what about him. But for me yes. Sometimes, I really can’t bear it. I will go for a ride by myself if I feel really down or in other words, if I really miss him. I would even cry for the whole night until I get into my dream world because missing him like so much. I wonder if he felt the same way as I do. But I think it is too far for now. His friends said that he attracted to this one girl. I don’t know who she is. But his friends told me that he once saw his wallpaper screen is occupied with a girl picture. And I don’t know who. But obviously that girl wasn’t me. And the worst thing when I felt stress is I tend to think that I’m going to have a cigarette. Isn’t that too much for a girl like me? But yes I do feel so. We’re also break up because of this cigarette thingy. He started to smoking again while we still in relationship and I don’t like it and I ask a break up from him shortly. Then, without think for the long time period effects, so now this is it. I can’t forget him until today because I really love him. Even more than myself. I can bet you that no one will ever love him like I did. Is it my entire fault to say those words to him at the black worst day? I do ask him to not to smoke. Tolerate with him. But he told me that it is his own choice to start smoking again. No one ask him to do that. I really sad and disappointed that time. Oh my god. How pathetic my love story is. Just because of the cigarette and our love can’t be continue as we wish. We have so many plans to do together in the future. And it is all ruins in one night. One night! I really feel ohh I don’t know how to describe it with words. Too hurt to be felt. Too much love for him that lastly makes me feel the pains. I’m not put the blame 100% on him about this decision that I’ve made that day. It is also about me that make things too rush. I didn’t think wisely that time. I follow my fool anger. It was my mistakes. Totally.
My friend always told me that I will find someone better than him. I know. I admit it. but yet I still can’t get over him. I’ve tried many times to convince myself. Forget about him. Forget about him. But at the end of the day, I can’t. I will think about him again and again. Everyday! Not even one day I didn’t think about him after 5 months we’ve clashed. He never even try to approach me back. Want to meet me or text me or call me. Not even once. I guess he have ego as high as the Mount of Everest. Or maybe even higher than the mountain. Or maybe he really doesn’t want to be with me again. He really don’t want. I am nightmare for him maybe. So pathetic. From now onwards, I would really like to try. This time I’ll try harder to forget my feeling towards him because he now admiring another girl. Love to socialize in the social networking with the girl. Even the girls is one of my friends. But she also looks like happy for doing that. Then yes, I will try my really best to forget him. Even we were in the same university. The worst part. Same university.
I still remember the quotes that I think suitable for us the previous day. “Meeting you was a fate. Being your friend was a choice. But falling in love with you is beyond my control”. Now it’s all gone.